Wife

From Philosopedia

WIFE, HOW TO OBTAIN A

The Separationist (December 1996) suggested fifteen Biblical ways to acquire a wife:

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Deuteronomy 21:11-13
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. Hosea 1:1-3
3. Find a man with seven daughters and impress him by watering his flock. Exodus 2:16-21
4. Purchase a piece of property and get a woman as part of the deal. Ruth 4:5-10
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. Judges 21:19-25
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: This will cost you. Genesis 2:19-24
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Total: 14 years. Genesis 29:15-30
8. Cut 200 foreskins off your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. Samuel 18:27
9. Even if no one is out there, wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. It’s all relative, of course. Genesis 4:16-17
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. Esther 2:3-4
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents to get her for you. Judges 14:1-3
12. Kill any husband and take his wife . . . but prepare to lose four sons, however. 2 Samuel 11
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. It’s not just a good idea - it’s the law. Ruth–Onana and Boaz; also described in Deuteronomy and Leviticus
14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. 1 Kings 119-123
15. A wife? Not! I Corinthians 7:32-35